Monday, March 31, 2008

Groanings of my Spirit

Turmoil is happening inside me. I cannot disguise it for I would be dishonest if I did. It's hard to contend and hold on to hope and faith. It's hard to believe that God can still be for me in the midst of all this when I see the violent rebellions and uprisings of my selfish nature which I can't seem to quench. I'm supposed to violently be taking the Kingdom of God, but it seems like I do just the opposite. I don't look for pity for I'm totally to blame for not staying in abiding in the Spirit of God. I'm just looking, grappling for answers and wondering if any can offer me any hope of my ever gaining enough resolve to just fall in love with God's way, and see the end of myself. I haven't yet. My motives remain corrupt, even in the midst of the radical steps of obedience I've taken to the Lord.

If I could just fall in love and receive Your love! If I could just totally turn from me toward You! If I just had some hope that one day I would overcome and be totally and only in Your love and service! I want to know God, I really do, but not enough to actually let go and do just that! Would You allow some measure of assurance? I know You are for me and not against me because You love Your creation, but my resolve is utterly weak and decrepit.

You call simply for us to receive and accept Your way. All we must do is believe in all that You've already done. Your way has been established. I don't have to produce anything. All I have to do is totally believe. Vestiges of my heart still doubt and do not believe!

Will my enemy (my selfish nature) swallow me just like the fish that swallowed Jonah? Or will you reach out with a mighty hand and outstretched arm on my behalf and defeat my selfish nature? Would you break my iron grasp and let my selfish nature die? Let love be released. I want to fully and totally love You and all that You love.

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