Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Struggling and Suffering

"1Therefore, since Christ has suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same purpose, because he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin,
2so as to live the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for the lusts of men, but for the will of God." 1 Peter 4:1-2

I am coming to terms with this. I have suffered on psychological, emotional, and physical levels as I've continued to pursue what I'm certain to be the will of God and it's hard. It's hard because I keep thinking that I have to build some really good professional ministry or program that reflects all the academic education I've had (Everything is meaningless, a chasing after the wind). I want to do everything that this world and country defines as success. I want to do everything, but suffer and identify and build relationships with broken people who show me my own broken human state. And I fear. I am afraid that I'm not capable of building earthly success like other people are and so I keep trying to prove myself and my professional ability, when actually I'm not confident at all in my ability to organize and mobilize and initiate good programs. I know this is not true because when God births vision in me, things get done as I go after them. But, I keep getting distracted from the vision that God has birthed in me to simply be homeless and suffer and know what homeless people face.

Thank God for the word I received from Jeff, a man who's involved with Lexington Leadership Foundation. I met with three of those guys today to talk and found great encouragement from all of them. And Jeff helped me see the beauty and necessity in my time of suffering from the psycological effects and emotional effects of displacement (homelessness). I have to come to terms with this again and again. Every week is the same struggle, but I praise God for how it is exercising my faith.

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